The feeling of loss

The past six months that I have been back in America has been one of profound loss. A little more than a month ago my grandmother passed away after months of her heart giving out. I was able to spend the last three months of her life with her every night from 11 p.m. until about 8 a.m. in the morning. During that time I was able to relive some of my childhood, see my grandmother raised me and she was the major influence in my life from the age of six until about nineteen years of age. My grandmother taught me right from wrong and she also drilled into me at a very young age that it is important to be fair and just with everyone. During those three months my grandmother never once complained about the pain she was going through. It was a bit strange because it took be back to when I was a child and she would grab a scolding hot pot off the stove and carry it to the sink. It truly amazed me because she never once complained. The woman had a high tolerance for pain (I guess as she should because she bore 12 children and raise 20, her 5 nieces, 2 granddaughter and myself, me being the last.) I was truly blessed to have had the grandmother that I had for as long as I have had her. There have been days this past month that I would just stay in bed and do nothing. I would say within the last week I have gotten myself out of my self imposed exile. I know that I am grieving but I can't let it control me to the point where I am not living my life. I don't know what others do but I find solace in my faith, the faith that my grandmother imparted into me. The same faith that carried my ancestors through slavery and Jim Crow. I remember as a kid that I would sleep at the foot of her bed because I was afraid that she might die and I thought that if I was in the room with her that she would never die (the mentality of a 8 year old) but as I said earlier in this missive at the end her her life I sat up with her during the graveyard shift and I think part of me thought that if I sleep at the foot of her bed as I did as a child then she would not die. On June 17, 2010 my grandmother went on home to be with the Lord and one thing that I did learn was to be absent from this body is to be in the presence of Christ. The days are different now almost surreal, but I do know with end of one thing means new beginnings.